Between Friends

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If you do not use the skills of dialogue and mindfulness and learn to speak for yourself and paraphrase, you will not be able to continue the closeness and pleasure of being witnesses. If one or the other of you has too many painful or hateful feelings, the feelings, and potentially projection and projective identification , will undermine your trust. Loyalty, support, and care are important components of friendship, as they are in all forms of true love, but they will take on resentful or obligatory tones if the competitive themes of friendship are not sorted out, allowing each person to feel tolerated, accepted, and witnessed, even in the midst of competition.

What I have said here about best friends also applies to your beloved partner if that person is your best friend. If your best friend is not an intimate or sexual partner, then love on a two-way street may be easier to develop than it is in a sexual relationship.

How Friends Affect Our Weight

Sexual relating, with its power dynamics and pair bonding , adds both excitement and stress to an intimate relationship. In non-sexual friendships, the development from personal love into true love can seem smoother and easier than in sexual partnerships. Sometimes people have sex with a best friend and find that intimacy changes the friendship pretty quickly and significantly.


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  • The major difference between love with a dear friend and love with an intimate partner who is a best friend is that the intimate love is more intense, more challenged by power and desire, and it can consequently become a kind of spiritual fire of purification. With our closest non-intimate lifetime friends we may encounter some of the fire of purification, especially in regard to our competitions, but since sexual love includes the demands of pair bonding and sexual power dynamics, a lifetime relationship with a non-sexual friend can be both more spacious and less transformative than a lifetime of true love with your best friend in marriage.

    Reprinted in arrangement with Shambhala Publications. Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.

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